damommza birthday 2015

they say that as you get older
the aches and the pains they accrue
the eyesight goes, as does the stamina
and I must say, my dear, that it’s true
but there isn’t a point in complaining
you can caterwaul ’til you’ve gone red
but try to remember your blessings
you can’t grumble once you are dead
so suck it up and keep on toiling
struggling on, and I pray
that you manage to kick back and relax
and enjoy a happy birthday

yet anuvva burfdae

burfdae wishuz hoo wood haz tehm
scroo tehm up adn in teh bin
ai’z tu owld tu stil bee cowntin
senn-ess-sense iz settin in

wonse ai dansed upon teh taybulz
wonse ai woz so lieth adn fin
nao ai’m shaypd juss liek a beechbawl
nao ai haz a trebul chin

wotz teh ues in gettin owldur
wai iz tihs hao fingz must go
ayjin iz a curs upon uz
butt nuffin seemz tu holt teh floe

o mother

o mother he came to my bower
and spoke to me sweet words of love
o mother how do I kill him
if and when push comes to shove

my daughter the methods are many
and many of them have I tried
but the best must be a blunt object
for that’s how your poor father died


come he told her gently
and reached out for her hand
follow in my footsteps
we’ll reach that magic land
where all the elves are feisty
and Santa mighty pissed
the reindeer are all bolshie
and Rudolph’s sorely missed
he went out for a tinkle
we told him don’t be long
but he has not returned yet
which buggers up the song
so Donner’s wearing greasepaint
and Blitzen a false nose
but neither one is working
so Santa can’t use those
the toy shop has been burnt down
destroying all the toys
but at least there is no shortage
of coal for naughty boys
and Santa won’t stop drinking
he’s on his second crate
so sadly we must tell you
this year Christmas is late

xmas? yeah, right

by damommza & sunovawot

The shopping is over
The wrapping is done
I’ve made lots of cookies
And eaten every one
The stockings are hung
By the chimney with care
I’m off to the gym
Before I outgrow this chair….

the shopping’s not done yet
the wrapping’s a chore
I ain’t making cookies
’cause cooking’s a bore
the stockings are holey
the chimney is blocked
I’ll forgo the gym ’cause
the bar is well stocked


it’s vicious he said with its eyes bloody red
and its teeth that are sharp like a blade
its claws oh so keen and its language obscene
it’s the best little monster I’ve made

like monsters of old it’s tremendously bold
it will march up and spit in your eye
and somebody wrote that it smells like a goat
but that is a damnable lie

its fragrance it’s true may turn your face blue
and cause you to sputter and spume
but that I’m afraid is how it was made
with a stink that will empty the room

now some may pretend that they are its friend
and others to know it by sight
but the truth must be said, if you meet it you’re dead
for it never can stop at one bite

and notice said he, with malice and glee
a twinkling eye and a bow
in case you think I am telling a lie
it’s standing behind you right now


the walls are closing in on me
the silence drags me down
the only thing that bears me up
is having you around
and that is rather shocking as
you know that this is true
I’d rather eat my own left foot
than spend my time with you


there’s a pachyderm down in the garden
daddy what should I do
there’s a pachyderm down in the garden
asking the way to the zoo

listen son do as I tell you
whisper right into its ear
I don’t give a damn where you came from
but there’s no way to get there from here

there’s a pachyderm down in the garden
daddy I’m at my wits ends
there’s a pachyderm down in the garden
saying he wants to be friends

listen son don’t be a nuisance
tell it whatever you like
then give it a drink and a sandwich
and tell it to go take a hike

there’s a pachyderm down in the garden
daddy it’s singing rude songs
there’s a pachyderm down in the garden
wearing bikini and thongs

listen son I’m getting angry
nothing you say makes any sense
so tell it that it don’t belong here
then kick it back over the fence

there’s a pachyderm down in the garden
daddy it’s calling me names
there’s a pachyderm down in the garden
disrupting all of our games

listen son this is the last time
tell it that it’s had its fun
but if it don’t leave here instanter
I’m fetching my elephant gun.


a dark and stormy night I cried
the night my darling boyfriend died
what truths he knew what lies he told
of banshee scream and faeries gold
I knew he wasn’t good for me
but still I would not let him free
for truth and lies I both ingest
and drew from him his very best
of battle fought with giant foe
and subtle haunts where he would go
I know, I know, he told me lies
I saw it there within his eyes
but fool I am and to my shame
I cooked and ate him all the same

cut out

pass me the bottle mother
your darling young daughter is here
and I’ve got such a thirst
I could drink ’til I burst
so pass me the bottle my dear

sing me a lullaby mother
I find that I can’t get to sleep
so sing me a song
of how you did me wrong
and I can drift off as I weep

tell me my future mother
tell me who I’m going to be
the places I’ll go
and the people I’ll know
then tell me how I can break free

then call me a surgeon mother
ask her to bring a sharp knife
with a soup├žon of skill
she can forgo the kill
and cut me right out of your life


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